God is my Shepherd and my Hope (part 3)

In my prayers, I asked the best job from God, working in Jakarta…stay in a brand new location started the new life, away from my passed darkness.
Many tests I experienced, but none gave good result…even though until the last step, still zero…They gave many reasons, from the look and physical that’s not matched with what they asked for…gosh…how can they judge a book by its cover, didn’t they already read my CV? Often they said, they were looking for the experienced graduate law faculty student…how could I have experience if they don’t give me chances? And if there’re a company hired me, they could not give balance in return…overtimes because of the work loads with limited times…it ate me much, I could not stand anymore! It’s heavy struggling for me, tested my faith…how big I trusted and relied my hope on Him, because like or not, I still remembered Yudha’s cursed on me…

In the 5th year after my graduation, I felt emptiness. I could not think straight anymore. I could not give the best to my parents as the oldest children, I was afraid to burden them forever, I felt nothing…I was exhausted…God what do you want from me? Please tell me…I don’t want to make another mistake anymore, don’t let my pass hold me back to walk ahead with You. I give up my future to You, I want to fulfill Your will for me…please don’t let this burden drags me away from Your sight, give me strength Lord…

In early 2006, God had answered my prayers. I got information that the Transportation Department needed for civil servants 2005 formation. But I was afraid, could I pass this time? I didn’t study for a long time, many good competitors would be there, it downed me…
Fortunately My parents, my whole families gave their support…so I made up my mind and sent my application, with my Law degree background and Crime Law majority.

When the 1st step result being announced, the level for whoever passed the administration terms, I urged to check my name on the Transportation Department website. On the Crime Law field, I checked them out one by one started with R as my alphabetical name, but nothing...I rechecked again slower, but still none! Reluctantly, I rechecked names by names started with A through Z, but still my name was not there!

Upsad, felt useless...but before I clicked the log out button, a calm voice whispered to my heart...why don’t you read one by one, field by field? Hey, why not...nothing to loose right? I can check also if my friends pass this administration terms. Suddenly, I saw a home address written. Huh...? Isn’t it my address...how...how it can be? And this is my name next to it! Praise Lord! It’s really astonishing, my name written in the Civil Law formation...but didn’t I apply for the Crime Law?

Weeks later, the time for the test came. I surrendered all to the Lord...and I set my mind up then went to Jakarta. But, a few hours before the test, something bothered me...shocked me badly! Lord, what is this? I just came back to You, but this one wants to hold me back! I can not believe this, he spoke like that to me...we’re so close, same feeling...how could he? But why now? Why not in the past few years ago when I left him for Yudha? Why now when I’m going to take the test tomorrow...it’s hurt...grudge and hatred...I won’t forgive him, ever! I cried...cried..confused...I didn’t know what to do...are there any chances for me to stand on my own feet? Am I not deserve happiness? It blew me down! I just wanted to go home, gave up...but if I gave up, I’d fail! Thanks God, He sent His son – thanks Mr. Anton – you cooled me down “Forgiving is not merely about feeling nor dignity, but decision. Can we love him just like Jesus does to us? Remind this, there is always beautiful rainbow after the rain and storm stop” and prayed for me…In the morning, I took the test…I relied on Him for all the process although as human being it’s not easy, could I pass these all? But I just looked up to the Lord…

Numbers by numbers of the tests went by…but every time this hatred came, I called Him. Lord was so good, He gave me wisdom to finish the tests that I’d never been learnt before, and I didn’t know at all about the transportation things. Even, so far when I did the logical test I took a lot of time to finish it, but this time…it’s so quick! I knew it’s because of Him…
But it didn’t stop yet; weeks later I got called to do the 3rd test, the psychological test and interview. Worries attacked me…could I do these tests? I don’t know all about transportation field and the Civil Law is not my majority. Minutes before the tests, I was so nervous. There’s somebody else, a Christian as well, would do the tests after me. We had discussion about the tests, and we played what if question. If the question like this then the answer should be like this…My turn for the test came. In the room, there’re three people inside. Two persons were the High Rank from the department, and the other one was the Psychologist. Again, miracle happened! The questions were just like the what if questions! All the questions were answered, and the tests were so relax, so enjoying. What a marvelous Lord! I realized then that He sent someone to prepare the answers by playing the what if questions. My family and I gave the result to God, let His will be done. If this one is Your plan, there’s nothing impossible for You Lord. And whatever the result would be, I still thank Thee. I’m holding on Your promises…my future is in Your hands.

Praise the Lord! Hallelujah…He answered our prayers. I was in! He put me in this job! But what happened to my competitor friend? She had a capability more than me and a lot of experiences that fits to this job. Thanks friend, for what you’d done for me…Thanks Lord for putting me in this Transportation Department, a place that I couldn’t imagine before. I got new friends, learnt a lot of new things. I knew it still long tiring journey to be done, but it’s good for my faith, to prove to whom I rely on…I thank Thee my Jesus for Your guidance, for the inner healing, for my families and friends that supported me when I was weak, for the times we’re together Lord. I want to give my best for You, neither by my might nor by my own power but…by You Holly Spirit.

He starts the good things
He will finish them to the end
With Jesus, we can do anything.
Amen.

composed by: Riena M Kusuma N, SH